#WorldMentalHealthDay 🧠
I feel conflicted about the fact that some people only give attention to mental health on this single day when there are many people who have to think about it EVERY day, but instead of going on about it, I’ll take this day to shed light on my “road to recovery.” I do this for my own reflection and to remind others who are at different points of their lives — some which might align with mine — that they’re not alone.
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cw: depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal ideation, panic attacks, depressive episodes
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If I think back to where I was when I first started becoming aware of my mental health, I’d probably only be lookin back 3 years. Entering college was pivotal to my mental health growth and healing. Towards the end of my senior year of high school, I seriously contemplated ending my life (to this day I have never made plans to do so and I hope it stays that way). The spring quarter of my first year was when my mental health tanked. I had frequent breakdowns, uncontrollable panic attacks, and spiraling depressive episodes. The summer following that spring was even worse. I cried right when it turned midnight of my birthday in August. Why? Because I couldn’t think of anything in my life worth celebrating. I didn’t believe that my life or that I was worth celebrating. To say the least, I was in a very, very dark place. That was the lowest point of my life.
August of that year (2017), I reached out for help. Started going to therapy. Went every week/every other week for a year. Started antidepressants this past February and have been on them since. Served on Mental Health Commission as Creative Visioning Lead Intern.
Through the process of healing (which def has its ups and downs), I’ve learned to love and prioritize myself. It feels so damn good to know that I don’t genuinely hate myself anymore. I’m much more patient and gracious with myself now than I was growing up. It hasn’t been easy getting to this point, but I’m so fucking glad to have reached it.
I can’t say that I’m fully recovered though. I still struggle with depression and anxiety and possibly mild PTSD (I didn’t get to finish the diagnosis before leaving for Thailand). Some days are worse than others. I never know how to end the conversation of my mental health because I don’t wanna create a false sense of “oh yeah I’m fine now though” because sometimes I’m not.
But I realize that the conversation doesn’t have to end and probably never will. That conversation is my daily life. And I will never stop talking about it, never stop advocating for it, never stop caring about it.
There is so much more I want to say and more that I wish people knew about (my) mental health, but I know that it’ll take time for people to become more aware. I just look forward to the day where mental health isn’t universally celebrated/focused on for just a single holiday.
I am still the same creative, fun-loving, compassionate, thoughtful, funny (my mom tells me I’m funny ok) person that you know and see here. I am not my mental “illnesses.” They are a part of me, but they do not define me.
