I know I haven’t written in over two months, but honestly, it’s because I’m living in the moment. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. I like to think that I’ll process through all of my pictures and trips once I’m back in the States, reminiscing on this amazing experience. I also feel pressured to portray my study abroad experience as something wonderfully and romantically exotic, which it definitely isn’t.
Anyways.
Here are issues and instances that have consistently come up in my experience abroad:
- The classic “where are you REALLY from?” / “how are you American if you’re not white?”
I literally never got this question back in the States. I think that’s mostly because I try not to talk to white people, who I hear are often the ones (but not the only ones) in the States asking these questions. But here, people perceive me as obviously Asian. I guess I either look really ambiguously Asian or people don’t really know what Viet people “look like,” so I often get asked where I’m from, or even worse, people assume my ethnic identity. I’ve gotten a lot of Southeast Asian and East Asian identities, but the most common to the least common guesses are Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Thai.
At first, I answered this question with “America,” only to be met with confused, dissatisfied faces because what they’re really asking is “can you explain why you look Asian?” Sometimes I just say I’m from Việt Nam to make it simpler. If I really feel like it, then I’ll say I’m from America but I’m Vietnamese / I’m Vietnamese but I live in America. I feel like, based on experience and what I’ve learned in the classroom while abroad, Asian people generally just like asking questions without thinking much of it because they want to know how to approach you. They’ll ask how old you are or what your job is so they know how to address you. I guess that might be part of why people like to prod at my ethnic identity? Or maybe people just have no filter for their curiosity.
- People not understanding that my family literally does not give me any money for anything bc they can’t (thinking all exchange students are rich, explaining financial aid to them)
I get that going abroad is expensive. The plane ticket and supporting yourself in another country, most likely without having any income from working, are the chunk of expenses here. A lot of people ask me about my family and what my parents do (which, again, is normal here). When I tell them that my parents only finished high school and that they give me almost no money regularly (not dissing them at all, that’s literally just what my situation is), they’re very confused and surprised. They’re like, how do you go to school then? How are you here abroad and traveling so much? Then I explain financial aid to them and usually the response I get after that is, “wow it’s definitely not like that here.” This was something I didn’t think too much about but I guess I should have seen coming. Who am I to come to a country where people are struggling day by day to support their families and enjoy that local, relaxed culture because I have the luxury (relatively) to return to a better financial state because of where I’m from? It’s quite a check on my privilege and I try to think critically about it.
- Asians not aware of Vietnamese refugees and why/how my parents went to the U.S.
I’m actually very surprised that, being in close proximity to Việt Nam, people here don’t usually know anything about the War and its aftermath. Like when I say I was born and raised in America, people are like oh your parents moved to America? And in my head, I’m like more like they felt forced to leave because it wasn’t safe or sustainable for them to live in their country anymore — but sure, let’s go with that. I’m not blaming these people at all for not knowing, because the education system just doesn’t cover Việt Nam and the war with a critical lense, and if they do cover it, it’s usually in the perspective of the USA. But it’s unsettling to know that some people don’t know anything about this experience that literally changed my parents’ life directly and my life indirectly.
Not just that, but it makes me realize how much I myself don’t know about the hxstory, because of the inadequate content in the education setting and because my parents don’t like talking about it. When this comes up and people want to know more about the Việt Nam and its hxstory, I obviously want them to know and learn. But I don’t even know what to say because it’s either just affected how I was raised or unknown to me completely. I don’t know anything about my parents’ lives before they left their country and before they became parents. Not that I would spill their stories to acquaintances I’ve barely met, but this just makes me realize how much I don’t actually know.
- People questioning my bisexuality if I’ve never been with a girl before
Usually the conversation goes like this. “Oh you’re bi? What’s that like?” “Well, I’m more physically attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women. But I’ve never been with a girl in like, any status.” “Oh, so how do you know you like girls too?” And then sometimes people ask me how two girls have sex and that’s just honestly a conversation I don’t want to get into — both here and with the person asking.
But literally, I don’t even know the answer to this myself LOL. I think bisexuality tends to bring a lot of self-doubt and self-shaming in the form of thoughts like, “do I really like more than one gender? Am I just overthinking it? I should just make up my mind and choose one. It’d be easier to explain and settle it once and for all.” Like, if you’re straight, how do you know you’re just straight like the rest of fucking heteronormative society? You just feel it, right? I mean, you’ve also probably never had to question it otherwise because being straight is “normal.” So. I guess that’s my answer. I just know. Sometimes I doubt myself, as with anything, but I just know. And I have every right to change that answer, because sexuality — that shit’s fluid.
- Explaining depression and anxiety in an easily digestible way despite language barriers
I leave my antidepressants out on my table or counter, regardless of whether I’m in an Airbnb for the weekend or in my apartment in Bangkok. If I don’t leave it somewhere I can see it, I’ll forget to take it or forget to bring it with me if I have to take it on the go. I have a LOT of pills because I refilled my prescription to last me for the entire semester. So people usually ask me if I’m sick. As some of you who know me or have been paying attention to my social media presence, I’m mostly very upfront about my mental health. I really do not care if people see me differently after I tell them about my depression and anxiety. I’m still the same person before I say so as I am after — you just understand me better, or at least I hope so.
So my response is, “no, those are my antidepressants. I take them every morning because I have depression.” Common reactions I get are accompanied with either a somber or shocked tone and “oh I’m sorry to hear that,” “oh my gosh you have depression?” or what I really don’t like hearing, “you’re depressed? / I never would have guessed you have depression.”
And those are all kinds of micro-aggressions which pretty much divert me from getting more into the conversation of mental health and destigmatizing/deconstructing it. I really don’t know how to navigate further. Like, I’m also sorry I have depression, LOL. I didn’t ask for this? But also, I’ve been living with this for a long time and I feel weird when people feel sorry for me for something that’s been a huge part of my life. I get their worry and concern for me though. I just think the focus and wording could be better.
Responses I wish I personally got more often/instead: how have you been doing then? Is it OK if I ask more about your mental health? Is there anything I can do to support you (ask if you genuinely have the capacity to do so). And if I don’t want to explain, then I’ll say so and it’s nothing personal (usually). This goes for me personally though and I’m sure other people dealing with similar mental health issues would like to be approached in their own ways.
- Explaining what my majors are to students who are mostly familiar only with STEM majors
This is so hard especially with language barriers. A lot of Asians are especially confused/surprised when I tell them about my Asian American Studies major. They’re like, what do you even study? You’re Asian so, what do you need to study it for? It’s already difficult for me to explain this in English to people who aren’t socially inclined or culturally conscious. I usually end up just oversimplifying my major and my reasons for pursuing them. My reasoning for picking up a double major in Asian American Studies is almost 100% personal choice rather than for academic/career relevance. I guess it’s more normal to pursue something that’s more practical/straightforward, especially in a region where you really need to take advantage of your socioeconomic status that you were born into.
- Navigating the clash between “thoải mái” American culture and Asian culture
Which brings me to my next point. I just recently learned this phrase (thank god I’ve been improving my Vietnamese while here) “thoải mái,” which translates to “comfortable” in English. But it’s more like comfortable like “don’t worry about it” comfortable and not like physically comfortable. One time, a Vietnamese person asked me if there are more gay people in America, to which I answered that I think people are more openly gay in America than in Việt Nam or Thailand. There could be more gay people here than in America for all I know, but they might not just be openly gay (also my American gaydar is so off here in Asia so I really cannot tell sometimes). Besides the fact that quantifying how many gays™️ are in each country and which country has more gay people is a bit of an arbitrary question, my point is that people seem to be more comfortable and carefree about who they are and how they express themselves in America versus in Asia, because of the cultural differences. Maybe the collectivist nature of Asian culture makes it so that people are easily affected by what other people say about them. A guy I met in Sài Gòn said that he literally cut his hair short because people in his neighborhood said he didn’t look good with long hair. So it’s pretty surprising to actually have or witness such encounters that prove how different the two cultures can be in terms of self-expression.
Anyways, I have 12 days left in Asia. I can’t believe I’m already at the home stretch of my study abroad experience. It’s been so lovely. I’ll try to update in a separate blog post about how general feelings of being abroad and what I’ll take away, what I’ll miss. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. :)
