I Left My Heart in Asia | #6 of #AbroadAdVantures
And just like that, 5 months in Thailand — done. Where did the time go?
I haven’t been updating regularly on Medium or social media in general, but I’m not sorry for it. Even for my dear friends who I’ve been making an effort to keep in touch with through texting and iMessage, I still haven’t updated them as much as I’d like to about my #AbroadAdVantures (sorry, I had to do it). But I know that they understand and that we have when I get back to share stories and catch up. I so look forward to this.
To be honest, I’m not very good with ending chapters in my life. I get extremely emotionally unstable leading up to the end of something and you’d think I’d get better at it (which I think I kinda have..?). But I’m still at the point where, in the last week of huge changes about to happen, I cry like almost every day. This happened leading up to high school graduation, leading up to each academic year in college when I moved out (just moving out itself makes me so fucking anxious), and even leading up to the end of this past summer, right before I left for Thailand.
So of course, I knew that this would happen too when I had to leave Thailand. I cried probably like 8 different instances in the last week I was in Thailand. But the reason I was so emotional is probably not what you think. The intense thoughts I had at the forefront of my mind were mostly about never having this kind of time or experience ever again. When would I be this young or young enough to travel and be in good health? When would I be able to see my friends I’ve made, who all live in Asia and likely wouldn’t ever come to the States? When would I have the financial means to do it all again, and even better than this time?
When would I be this happy again?
That last question was especially daunting. I was really scared of relapsing once I returned to the States. Heck, I sound like I’m still not scared of this (I’m writing this while on the flight from Shanghai to LAX). Sure, I can come back to Asia in the future, maybe after I finish my undergrad, and spend more time (not as a student this time, although it really helped in immersing myself into the local culture) to travel leisurely. I could probably even do so with close friends if we planned it well enough. But things wouldn’t be the same. Maybe my friends abroad won’t be in Thailand anymore. Maybe the spots I visited regularly these past 5 months won’t have the same charm anymore — or worse, won’t even be there at all anymore. Maybe — more like most definitely — I’ll be a different person by then.
I’m trying really hard to remind myself that revisiting a place where I fostered so many memories only to have a different experience doesn’t make it a bad experience. In fact, when I do visit Asia again, I know that it will most definitely be different than my experience abroad because of these factors. And that’s not something to be scared of. Obviously also I won’t be studying abroad the next time I visit Asia, and I can’t do anything about that (not that I would if I could), so that already will change how my travels will be next time.
I think I’m just really scared of forgetting these memories and of leaving them behind. But I’m not. I’m carrying them with me, even if I don’t consciously realize it. Every time I’ve become overwhelmed with these fears of forgetting or leaving good things behind, I remind myself of the last time I felt this way, and how I turned out afterwards. For instance, high school. Yeah yeah, maybe this is a really niche and incomparable example, but it’s a start. Leading up to graduation, I was so scared of splitting paths with my good friends, especially because we were all going to different colleges and fields. I didn’t want to let that go. I think it’s because I thought I would never have something that good again. It was the similar thought of “when will I ever be this happy again?”
But I did get that happiness again. And even more of it. Just not through the same experience that is high school. Sure, my high school friends and I grew apart (I only really talk to one person from high school kinda regularly — hi Dara) but when I do remember them from time to time, I don’t feel sad or scared to have let them go anymore. I remember how happy I was to be with them and what we went through as friends. I still check up on them once in a while and still hope that they’re receiving all that they deserve in life, which is only the best. And if their path doesn’t involve me, that’s OK. It once did and I am so grateful to have been a part of their lives. This isn’t to say that transitioning through different phases of life isn’t difficult, because it definitely fucking is LOL. But sometimes I just have to give it time. And it’s only natural to want to hold on tightly to the good things in life and never want to let go.
A friend told me that the end is also part of the journey. Even if I don’t like the end or the fact that the journey ends, that doesn’t mean I wish I had never gone on said journey, right? Another friend told me that it’s good to be sad over these things because that means you really cherish them enough to be sad over it. Unlike Sam Smith and his proclaimed excellence at saying goodbyes, I feel like I’m pretty terrible at saying goodbyes. So I think that’s why I’ll call this a see you later, not a goodbye. But for now, I will move on. (I feel like this sounds like a break-up)
Asia, you were so, so wonderful. These past 5 months have been the best months of my life. I am so grateful to myself for challenging myself to go on this journey, and I decided to do so at one of the lowest points of my life too. Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Hà Nội, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur Malaysia, Kanchanaburi, Seoul, Koh Samet, Udon Thani, Sài Gòn, Đà Nẵng. You all have a piece of my heart and I am so thankful. In discovering more about other cultures and delving into different spheres of the world, I also rediscovered myself.
I will try not to be scared. Scratch that, I will try not to let my fear prevent me from moving forward, one day at a time, and building happiness in different ways that life brings me. In response to my dark thoughts that doubt when I’ll ever be this happy again, I will keep telling myself that it only gets better. Just take it one day at a time.
