I never thought I would actually live to see the day that I finish my undergraduate studies at UCI.
CW: suicide, suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, capitalism, mention of trauma
Before, when I used to think about graduating, it seemed like such a foreign concept to me. I mean, yes, very few people are 100% fully prepared to graduate and for the postgrad struggles that come after it. But when I tried to imagine myself graduating, I literally could not envision anything. It was just blank. Maybe I could see myself walking the stage and taking pictures with loved ones afterwards, but anything beyond that was nonexistent to me and my imagination. I couldn’t imagine getting, god forbid, a 9–5 office job after graduating, and being happy. To be honest, I still can’t imagine it.
As depressing as it is, it’s because I thought I would somehow or eventually end my life before I could graduate.
I saw myself as weak. To a certain extent, part of me does still see myself as weak. I thought this white ivory tower of an institution would eventually get the best of me and my mind. I thought my anxiety around capitalism and trauma from growing up low-SES would win. I thought one day, my struggle to stay alive and enjoy life would eventually crumble under these oppressive systems.
But it didn’t.
Well, where does that leave me now? I graduated last winter quarter with a B.A. in Public Health Policy and minor in Asian American Studies. I finally did it. But that’s left me in a really unsettling and derealizing headspace lately. How do I live if I’ve never seen myself living to this point in my life? What’s the next stage? Nobody’s going to tell me what I need to do anymore now that I’m out of school, and there’s no longer a track for me to follow.
I guess this is the point where I realize that I need to make my own track.
I’m still struggling to wrap my mind around the fact that I’ve graduated and that I’m just thrown out in the real world now. As a daughter of Vietnamese refugee parents who grew in poverty and still live in a low-SES household, and as someone who is disabled, capitalism terrifies me. How am I supposed to make a living and support myself, maybe even my family, if I can barely mentally take care of myself? I don’t think I’ll see the abolition of capitalism in my lifetime either. So what’s next? How do I navigate the world as it’s still not built for people like me and my family?
I wish I knew the answer. But for now, I choose to celebrate myself and my existence today. I fucking made it! I treated myself to beautiful graduation pictures and everything! I even printed expensive ass canvas prints to hang up in my wall! I’m intentionally taking time now to finally breathe after being in school for basically my entire life. And it feels freeing. As the “model minority,” I feel like everyone expected me to make it this far, but I know my own truth and hardships, and I know that making it to this point in my life was far from easy. Knowing that almost everyone expected me to finish my undergraduate studies makes it more difficult to celebrate myself, but if anything, I know that it’s even more necessary to pause and do so intentionally.
Perhaps celebrating myself is the answer.
